34F – Long Post alert – Just venting out my feelings
I am married for 9.5 years with 1 kid of 7 years. My father loved me a lot but left us while I was 5 years old. I was brought up in my grandparents’ home, while my mom re-married. My step father took good care of us (me and my elder sister) I was abused by a relative during my entire childhood. I fell in love with a guy while I was 20 years (my first and last love). We both loved each other so much. My parents got to know of this and tortured me emotionally, I fought for 2 years at home for my love and finally my mom asked me to bring the boy and his parents to my home to discuss on marriage. But when their family came, she spoke rudely to them and as a result, his parents did not agree for our marriage. My BF couldn’t stand against his father and he left me though he loved me at lot. Another thing to add here, my mom and stepdad used to drink every night which I did not like at all. They used to talk all nonsense after drinking which I hated.
Soon after this, there was a quarrel between my sister, grandmom and my step father, in which my entire family stood against my step father and asked him to walk out of house. I could not leave him like that, so I stood with him and struggled to compromise everybody but failed. With no other option left finally I moved out to a separate house with my step father thinking my family will miss me and come to me and we all can live together but my family abandoned me and no one was least bother to even call me and ask where I was staying. This gave me lot of depression as I was constantly being abandoned by everybody I loved. I just wanted to run away somewhere where no one knew me. So on the advice of my cousin, I decided to get married, I myself searched for a guy through matrimony site and fixed for marriage with the help of my stepfather. My stepfather supported me and got me married to a good family. My only demand to my husband was that I want a peaceful life and he promised me that.
After marriage, I came to know my husband is impotent. That did not affect me at all as my life was so peaceful and secured after marriage. My husband took good care of me, he did not demand any money or property from me. I ignored his impotency and continued to lead my life. Then we decided to have a baby, tried for it and I conceived and delivered a baby also. My husband took care of me 100% during my pregnancy.
Only after child birth I started having the bodily needs. Though my husband takes care of everything at home there is no intimacy between us, I feel jealous when I see other couples. I am not getting the love I always wanted and I am longing for it. Whenever asked, he says he loves me but I do not feel it. This feeling is increasing day by day and it is killing me. I am pretending to be a happily married women in front of all others and end of the day I feel empty. I cant leave him as I am scared of divorce and the insecurity feeling. I cant put my daughter in the same place as I grew up as a child. Suggest me how to overcome this kind of thoughts please. How should I keep my mind calm for the rest of my life